Other people may see you as selfish and irritable, but our stoner trophy will always be there to remind you that you are a Golgoth inside—a writhing, totally ripped demon who is trapped in an earthly body that craves the buds.

$45.99

These fearless little beauties are trained to sniff out and locate drug-sniffing dogs. Why? ‘Cause that’s where the drugs are! Filters out all the BS and false alarms.

$420

Grandpa Helmut sort of disappeared after 1945. Now you can teach your kids about his likely whereabouts! Holding the Guinness Book Record for hugeness, you can point to this map and say, “This is where grandpa lives, Argentina. He did a bad thing.”

$99.99

Bananas are the world’s most popular thing, but they’re hard to keep organized! Now your bananas will be stacked and ordered alphabetically, from Brazilian Dwarf to Red Cuban. Don’t be late for giving a deposition or getting a haircut: grab the banana you want when you want.

$1,23456.78

Being a doctor is literally nine times as hard as any other job. But it doesn't have to be. With our Medical Test Results Fortune Cookies, you can really tell your patients their future instead of something stupid like, “You will have good luck in business.” 

MEDCOK. "Medical Test Results" Fortune CookiesTM . . .  $18.99/dozen
Sugar Free “You Have Diabetes” Cookies . . .  $11.99/dozen

Condo doesn’t have to mean no pony no more!™ The companion animal that doesn’t mind if you do your own thing, the Condo Pony clops around just sniffing, checking things out! They’re a poo-less breed that’s hyper-allergenic, and they’re test-tube raised so there’s no fuss or muss.

$456.78

Out with the old crappy weird horse, in with a fun new look that’s baby room or man cave ready! They’re just doodles, people.

Lighten up. 

$97.00

It’s cold, and your cow won’t get up. What’s wrong with her? We don’t know, but it sounds like an electrical problem. These cow jumper cables will get a cow started with a gentle jolt that feels to a cow much like what a cup of coffee might feel like to an infant—a new, fun, what-do-I-do-with myself kind of vibe.

$179.99

At SkyMaul, we are not saying that Santa’s bad, we’re saying that you should have a choice. For families that do not feel that a visit from Santa is appropriate or desirable, we recommend SantaGard®. You have to set limits. Maybe he has to get worse before he gets better.

$129

Get some eggnog up in you and just have a great time on the slopes with Uncle Terry’s four-man sled. Hand-welded (by hand) in Pukaibah County, CA. Nowhere to put feet until they’ve been rammed up your ass by gravity and alcohol.

$699.98

Never needs changing. Not once.® 

Using spider egg-sack technology, a Russian scientist and a regular Russian solved an ancient riddle: how to make diaper that lasts whole lifetime. Put this on when they’re born, sit back, and watch the joy that every baby gives off.

$1200

Meet Mindy. She’s the perfect companion for kids who are starting to think about starting to blow it out. She cut one, and she feels horrible, just like a normal person should. There are some people—even top people—who make it all the way to adult without learning how to trap it in.

$30.00

Finally something that truly shows just how stupid rocks are. This seems to be the only shaming system that the dumb mother-f&^%rs really respond to, but whatever it takes.

$40/doz.

Now you know what it's like to drive a train! HA HA HA HA HA Seriously. They don't even have a steering wheel. And yet "Big Government" says we have to do all this stuff/gets in our way when we want to be American (have freedom).

$36

Time to "Lean In" to doing whippets all the time at work. Crack is over-rated, plus it makes you gay. If you’re a 21st century leader, this is where you need to be: the realm of possibility. Dare to dream. 

$110

Set it and forget it! Need a reminder to graduate? Get married? Have a mid-life crisis? Don’t miss out on life’s big stuff: set an alarm! Our sixty-year timer has easy-to-read settings and will emit a normal-sounding “ding” to keep you on track.

$59.99

All dogs are misunderstood orphans who harbor intense feelings of rage and abandonment hidden behind layers of addictive sexual and eating behaviors. For Christ's sake, they eat cat feces like it was Almond Roca. Start the healing.

$234.00

Look at you, swimming on the sand! Half the earth is water, probably even much, much more than that! Double the number of places you can swim for pleasure and own the new you. Will not chafe. Works with all strokes. Prize-winner.

$5363

This nifty meat gun combines two of America’s favorite hobbies—hot dogs and guns—into one fun shooter! Makes a perfect gift for a loved one that likes to pump out a dog FAR.

$111

Keeps Shining Through Your Crumbling Marriage!

This verdigris, corrosion-proof plaque has a look that is both wistful and disappointed, better-reflecting the dominant emotional tones of your household since the kids left for college. You could also try buying a(nother) dog.

$89

Are you turning a blind eye to a spaniel infestation in your own home or yard? Be they springer, cocker, or Cavalier King Charles, they will be caught by this spring-loaded and super tight wicker dog-catcher. Spaniels spread disease.

$78

Mood rings are only helpful if you DON'T ALREADY KNOW THAT YOU'RE F&^%& DEPRESSED! This one doesn't change color, always is "depressed" color, for when you couldn't possibly be more confident of how wretched everything is.

$23.45

Many hundreds of years before the iPhone, caveman had an interest in his own butthole. Our Steampunk Buttscope is reenactor-grade, made of frice-polished, submarine-quality tuba parts, allowing the mid-career dad to get a nautical look netherwards and even snap a daguerrotype or two.

$129

Stop Breathing Disorganized Air!®

Every human being has two air bags in their chest called “lungs.” These miraculous organs do everything from storing mucus to letting us smoke joints to helping us blow things. Don’t let these “nature’s natural miracles” get filled up with dog shit and ruin your birthday!

$078,293,

Scientists have recently learned that every dog basically has the equivalent of a whole sun in their butt, enough to power Belgium. Now microturbine technology turns that energy into phone energy! It’s a gift from God to your dog to your phone to the person you're speaking to. DOESN'T WORK WITH iPHONE 6.

$129

This beautiful bulb shows an unborn little guy just snoozing his way through Grinch-mas time. Quietly drape your tannenbaum with a bakers dozen of these fully formed human angels, and when Kurt and Lisa visit from San Fran-gay-sco, your tree will ignite a holiday argue-sation!

$4 each

Don’t let family get in the way of yardwork! Our combo stroller/mower is 24hp, safe, cozy, and legal. Strap the kid in and mow down any lawn, any yard, any thing. Teaches kids about motors, grass, responsibility, etc ...

$637